When I Made It

By Rose Bryant

I felt the cold seeping into my jacket. I am covered from head to toe but all I needed, all I ever need is gloves. And I forgot them at home. Sometimes it feels like if I had nothing but gloves the cold would be bearable.

I walk backstage. I took off each layer as the woman does my makeup and the camera crew gives me the rundown. This is my moment. My hands struggle to move from the lingering cold.

I can hear the audience cheer through the thin curtain. You know when you watch a movie about a struggling writer, actor, or singer. They struggle for so many years, then finally they get what they deserve, what they have been working for, what you have been watching this movie for.

And here I am in a comedy club in Madison Square Garden, where I will be recorded and streaming on Netflix. All my work has led up to this day. I finally made it.

I go out to my adoring faithful audience. The light blinds me as the cold moves its way into my bones.

I should feel happy. This is my moment. I start my routine and I feel hollow. I still feel just as sad as every other day. Why? Why on my happiest day do I feel sad? I always dreamed of this day. I deserve this! I have been working so hard for this, and yet I can’t get myself to feel good about my life.

I thought this would be the moment where everything just clicks together but it’s not.

People laugh, they clap, the tickets were sold out. But I felt just as hallow. I always dreamed of this day. I thought it would make me happy. But my happiness is not something my fans can give me. It is not something money can give me. It is something that I must get for myself. But I don’t know how to do that.

After the show, I left. I didn’t stick around for signatures or after parties. I just left. I have traveled the world. I accomplished my dreams. Dated and lost the love of my life. And in all those moments I still felt unhappy. As if I was drifting through the moments with no emotion attached to them. I walk through the street of New York. Watching the buildings glow in the night light. No matter where I go or what I do. My sadness follows me like a shadow.

The cold that once was a minor inconvenience now surrounds me.